The Endless Dark
by Jemma Blackwell
Summary: A songfic from Sirius's POV from behind the veil.


This is a songfic with the song "Away From The Sun" by 3 Doors Down. (There are several songs on that album that fit this situation.) No one was more depressed than me after reading OOTP, and now after watching the movie last night, and seeing Sirius go through the veil, this just came to me. (I am ignoring the fact that in the movie Bellatrix said "Adavra Kedavra" because we all know that in the book, the spell she used was unspecified.) If you can, give the song a listen as you read this.

Song lyrics are underlined. Thanks to JKR for Harry's world, and 3 Doors Down for their fantastic songs. I make no money from this, and no ownership is implied.

It's down to this 

I've got to make this life make sense 

Can anyone tell what I've done 

When I woke up in this forsaken place, how could I be surprised? Just the next incident in my bizarre life, just another misery in a long line of miseries. It makes me wonder, why ever did I grace the mortal plane? Was I born just to die a hundred deaths?

Will I die, with most not knowing how I tried to avenge James and Lily? I hate to go with the title of mass murderer still hanging over my head. They thought I was reckless, do they know when I charmed that motorcycle to fly, that I did it just so Remus could be free for a bit? Do they know that when James asked me to be Harry's godfather, I already couldn't begin to see my life without Harry? Do they know I would have thrown away my life and more for Harry? Why was I given that beautiful soul to watch over, only to have him wrenched from me?

I miss the life 

I miss the colours of the world 

The beautiful golden summer days spent with James and Remus, the crystal blue water we always jumped in for a swim. The frosty snowball fights in white midwinter, and the wonderful brown hot chocolate James mum always fixed for us afterwards. The sun-dappled greens in The Forbidden Forest, and the same leaves under moonlight, the twinkling stars in the velvet blue sky. The way the stones at the front of the cave turned rosy in the sunset. The chestnut red of Lily's striking hair and the verdant green of Harry's eyes. I can't believe I will never see those eyes again. I miss them so much, how he would look to me, pleading for answers, and I could only give him love.

Can anyone tell where I am 

I fell so far I thought I would never stop falling. I called out till I was hoarse, my hands are raw from searching for a handhold. There's not a drop of light. Does anyone realize I'm here waiting, do they have a hope of finding me? Or have they totally given up in their pain and suffering, too torn and broken to believe? I can't even tell day from night, how long have I been away, a day or a hundred?

'Cause now again I've found myself 

So far down, away from the sun 

That shines into the darkest place 

I'm so far down, away from the sun again 

Away from the sun again 

It's like Azkaban again, the dark, the endless dark, there was the biting cold, all around me the whispers of the dementors. First that prison, then another, filled with darkness of the heart. Back to that old mausoleum of a house, depressing on a good day and lethal any other time. What is darker than the reminder of how much your mother hated you, every sorry time you turn around? I dared to live anyway, and then the gods brought me right back down to the darkness, the endless, endless dark.

I'm over this 

I'm tired of living in the dark 

Can anyone see me down here 

I'm so tired, didn't anybody see that I wasn't dead? If only they thought there was hope for me. If they don't come soon, I don't know that I'll last much longer. The whispers are maddening, the guilt is crushing, the blackness is robbing me of sanity. I lived with the darkness for 16 years, until I went to James. There are happy days remembered in that time, but we could hardly relax. All we did is fight the encroaching darkness together, until it claimed me, for another 13 years. I can't take any more, if anyone needs light and warmth it's me, before the darkness claims my soul. Can't they tell I'm reaching for the light with all that I am?

The feeling's gone 

There's nothing left to lift me up 

Back into the world I know 

Did Harry survive the battle? What if there isn't even any more Harry or Remus for me to live for? If they were there, wouldn't they surely be trying to bring me back? They must be gone, I don't even want to live if they're gone. Without them, I would be so alone. I don't know how Remus stood it for 13 years, I don't think I could do that. Harry and I just found each other, and it gave me a reason to live, and now I'm torn from him again. I'm so numb, it's hard to remember what it felt like when he smiled.

'Cause now again I've found myself 

So far down, away from the sun 

That shines into the darkest place 

I'm so far down, away from the sun 

That shines to light the way for me 

To find my way back into the arms 

That care about the ones like me 

What would my life be worth without having Harry fly into my arms, so happy to see me again? That gentle hand of Remus on my shoulder, offering his silent understanding. I remember the day I woke with a headache from too much loneliness, too much whiskey, and Ginny washed my hair for me.

I do wonder if I would have proved myself to Molly by now, if I would have earned a hug from her yet.

I'm so far down, away from the sun again

Oh no, yeah, I'm gone

I'm so afraid there is no return, that I have been banished forever to this place, with no respite. I will never live to bounce Harry's babies on my knee, fly on a broom, or play as Padfoot and Moony ever again. I have said I would die for my friends, and I absolutely would, I meant it. But I'm not dead, at least I don't think I am, but this is no life, without dreams, without light, without colors, without touch - only the torment of love. What if this is all there is, and I am really gone forever?


End file.
